*this is a follow-up to last week’s post, a visit with doubt. perhaps you, dear reader, understand the very-real struggle a Christian goes through with doubt. if so, please hear me when i say you are not alone. xo
one of the things i love most about Truth is that he is always, always there. even when i’m selfish and impatient, when i lash out and say things to him that i don’t really mean. when i’m petty and insecure, when i’m wrapped up in all my own problems and don’t even give him the time of day. even when Doubt comes around, Truth stands by and watches as i entertain the guest whom i can’t stand but yet can’t seem to get rid of. Truth is dependable. he is faithful. there have been so many times in which even i would have given up on myself. but still, Truth stays.
the other day, i found myself alone. not just in an empty house, but with a clear mind and steady heart, totally free. i knew Truth had to be close by–but over the years, i’ve found that sometimes he hides himself, which is okay, because he always shows up again at just the right moment.
so i was alone in the quiet, breathing it in, head bowed and eyes closed.
and then i heard him.
“do you know Me?”
Truth. i’d recognize that voice anywhere. my eyes snapped open, and i glanced around the room, hoping for a glimpse of him.
“do you know Me?” he asked again.
i was silent for a moment, trying to detect what i was hearing in his voice. it was him, i knew that much. but something was different, and i couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“yes, i know you. i mean, i think i do. we’ve spent a lot of time together, after all. and all those conversations we’ve had over the years? yeah, i know you. …where are you, by the way?”
“if you know Me, then how could you ever doubt me?” Truth asked the question quietly, his voice low, and it was in that moment that i realized what was different. he was crying. i heard the hurt in every syllable his gentle voice spoke.
and suddenly, i was crying, too. hot tears sprang to my eyes, and i sat there, not knowing what to say. Truth had always been so good to me. it was his nature; i’d never seen him be anything but. and he was always watching out for me. he’d rescued me from some pretty tough situations, and i’d joked with him about how he was my superhero, and he smiled and said he’d be there whenever i needed him.
and now, this one who had been always good and always loyal and always loving to me, was crying, and i felt horrible. i had hurt his feelings.
“i’m sorry,” i cried out. “Truth, i am so, so sorry.” i had no idea how to answer his question. how could i doubt him? it made no sense, and i certainly had no reason to.
all of a sudden, Truth walked into the room, and i saw it all, saw everything so clearly. as i looked up at his tear-stained face, i knew my folly.
i had been hypocritical.
i had been impatient.
i had listened to Doubt’s lies.
i had been selfish.
i had acted like i didn’t even need Truth at all, like i could do it all myself.
i called him my closest friend
and yet–i didn’t fully trust him.
he sat down at the table, watching as i came to terms with how i’d been acting lately. i had no excuse, no reason i could give to make it all better. the only thing to do was to apologize and ask his forgiveness.
i opened my mouth to speak the words, when Truth reached for my hand across the table and held it firmly in his own.
suddenly, i heard a knock at the door, loud and impatient. i knew that knock, had heard it a million times before. Doubt was back.
i sat frozen in my chair, hand still holding onto Truth. i didn’t know what to do. Doubt always had a way of showing up at the worst times. he kept pounding at the door, and i knew it was only a matter of time before he turned the door handle and pushed his way in.
i stood up, and Truth rose to his feet with me. i caught his gaze, and he nodded, as if he knew exactly what i was thinking. together, we walked to door, where Doubt was still knocking, louder and more abrasive by the minute.
for a moment, i paused, my free hand hovering over the door handle. i felt Truth gently squeeze my other hand, and everything within me smiled at that moment. i took a deep breath,
and locked the door.