the person i really am

“i can’t be here anymore. i don’t feel whole here. i feel, well, partly whole. incomplete. tired…something got crossed in the wires, and i became the person i should be and not the person i am. it feels like i should go back and get the person i am and bring him here to the person i should be.”

i remember reading the above passage from blue like jazz well over a year ago & nearly falling over from the weight of truth that it carried for me. i saw myself etched into each and every word. i read that one paragraph over and over again, and it felt exactly like looking in a mirror.

now, a year and a few months later, as i look back and remember, i get it. i was lost. i was broken. i truly was incomplete, and there were pieces of the person i am scattered here in Liberia, back in the States, and everywhere in between.

the year that i spent at home was me letting myself be put back together. i took a break from full-time ministry. from all my striving. from trying to figure it all out & making a map of who i wanted to be, where i wanted to be, and how i wanted to do it. i put life on pause. and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do.

but it was absolutely, 100 % without any doubt worth it. something inside me shifted during those twelve months. or maybe fell away. or possibly both…
all i know is everything that was false and ill-fitting was stripped off of me like dead skin, and what was true all along is the only thing that remained.

and she is what i grew into. she is who i became: 

the person i was always meant to be
but, more importantly,
the person i really am. 

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