into the deep end

it’s Thursday night, and i’ve been in Seattle for about fifty-one hours now. 

it’s been fifty-one hours of unpacking, sleep, reunions, prayer, sunshine, coffee, family dinners. but it’s also been more than that. so much more. 

it’s been fifty-one hours of excitement and anticipation and joy. i’m eager to start living life here, looking forward to whatever lies ahead. 

it’s been fifty-one hours of missing home while being at home, of wondering—for the millionth time—where home even is anymore and if i’ll ever find my way back there. it’s been fifty-one hours of momentary panic attacks, of shaking my head in disbelief: is this really happening? what am i doing?it’s been fifty-one hours of having to admit that i’m scared of starting over (again) and a little bit sad that i have to. 

it’s been fifty-one hours of questions answered with peace, doubts erased by hope, fears swallowed up by trust, an ache soothed by His presence. 

because in the end, all that matters is He is with me. in these fifty-one hours. in all the changes and my inability at times to effectively deal with them. in the emotional whirlwind swirling within me. in the promise of tomorrow that can only come after yesterday. 

so what have i learned in these last fifty-one hours? well, i’ve realized that i’m more determined than ever to let nothing stop me from living fully in the moments i’ve been given. i may hold my breath, i may squeeze my eyes shut—but i’m still gonna jump. i may be crazy. i may be reckless. i may have no idea what i’m doing. 

but i do know Someone who does. 

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